i am tired of being tired of myself

The worst part about it is that this feeling itself is too familiar to me. It comes and stays for awhile, and then I somehow manage to pick myself up; only for it to come back a few weeks later. Tbh, this was totally not my idea in making this blog. You must be thinking damn this person is so negative and the only thing she does is rant. But bear with me, I do have good things going on in my life, but I think the reason it seems that I always seem negative on here is because irl I do escape away from this feeling. I blanket it as if it doesn't exist, then I cry myself to sleep or hang out too long on YouTube numbing my brain and not allowing it to think of anything. That is why it is spilling out on here, and honestly despite the ugliness of it; the bigger picture of it is actually helping me. I need to let these feelings and thoughts out of my system, and face it.

Rambling here doesn't make me improve 180 right after, but it keeps me standing and keeps me alert. To actually think about these problems or feelings I have with myself instead of sweeping it out of the rug. I am thinking of my ways to better myself, and improve my unhealthy lifestyle, and although it is at an indubitable slow pace; I am finally swimming instead of just floating.

Once things are more stable, I wish to continue my writings and write down the short stories I always make up in my head, and make it more real, by putting it on screen to be read. If not by another person, at least by the future me. So she can see and reminiscence how dumb and depressing she was at this age (turning 23 next week woohoo)

So that is all for now fellow reader. Till we meet again sometime in the future. Could be tomorrow, could be next week. But I am feeling very wordy these days I think I might be coming here quite often these days. Even this entire post actually just started out with the title as a singular thought; but look how it branched out. I really should do this.

ttfn <3