been feeling out of it, since I don't know when

Today is just another day where I open my laptop, in hope that I can do something, anything at all and get out of this slump that has been here since forever. I just realized almost everything I do aside from my work is a form of escapism. None of it is done just because or with any other reason like because I like it or I really wanna do it. I guess last weekend's cycling trip with baba and kakngah might have been one. But the rest of my days? Nope

You see, I never get bored. I always myself occupied and when it comes to a point where I have no idea what to do. Or I want to find something else to do to get away from my addiction of scrolling social media and now tiktok; I will tend to my list of things to watch and choose something from there.

But then again, even in that I fail. I'm behind in all my deadlines, I have responsibilities to tend to, and I'm not eating well. The thing i have been yearning a lot these days is my childhood. I still can't seem to grasp the thought of how I was ecstatic to reach adulthood and get out of my kid uniforms. Little did I know, not everything I saw was true, and I was blind to the reality of it.

Well I'm not saying adulthood is the worst, but I just feel that I should have enjoyed and devoured my youth more than I did. Instead I was looking straight into my future and looking forward for it. Seeing that I was like that, I should have made better decisions right? Alas, I should not be blaming my past and wishing it was another reality. I have to get up and face the reality I am in now. I only have the future waiting for me, while my past had long said their goodbyes. However, somehow i feel that they didn't do it properly. It is as if we are all in a room, and they are just existing and always watching me. Sometimes they come up to and poke me, and sometimes they help me and give me strength.

Dang I really wish the hard-working teenage me could help me more. I feel that I have felt her return these days, but just bits of energy. I need to relive her again; but the current me just dampens me down, making me heavy and too tired to do anything. And it gets me mad every single time. I don't want to rot like that.